Reflection on a Year without Dad

 (post written Monday, June 20th)

Me and Dad

One year ago today is a day I will never forget. It was not dissimilar to today, weatherwise. It was a scorchingly hot, day after Father's Day. And when I went to visit my Dad that day, the a/c was cranking. I had brought with me lunch and a husband with lawn mowing capabilities. My dad had not been feeling well, it felt like he was never really feeling well, but this was the worst I'd seen him. He was pretty much glued to the chair in the living room, unable to do regular chores, without much appetite, and he was getting tired and dizzy often. So Josh mowed the lawn, I brought lunch, and my brother Steve showed up so we could all hang out with Dad. It was our own little Father's Day celebration.

Late in the afternoon I noticed my dad looked grey. "How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Not great," he responded, "I think I should go to the Emergency Room."

"Okay," I said, "Do you want me to take you right now?" Trips to the emergency room were not rare occurrences for my dad, especially recently, so I felt calm and was sure this was just another trip to the ER.

"Oh, I can wait for Josh to finish the lawn." My dad, never wanted to put anyone out.

"Uh...we'll call him finished Dad, let's go."

Steve and I loaded Dad into Steve's vehicle to take him to the ER. Josh locked up the house and brought our dog home. I called my Mom to update her while Steve drove. Steve, it seemed was not as calm as I felt. He sped around curves and launched us over a speed bump. When we got to the ER, I took Dad inside while Steve parked. My dad leaned into me and said, "I think you're brother just tried to kill us."

The three of us sat in the waiting room until my mom arrived, she was just leaving work anyway so she just drove up the hill to the hospital. She and my Dad had been spending a lot of time at the hospital of late so she was prepared. Snacks in her purse and a book to pass the time, plus crossword puzzles for Dad.  She got home late that night, but without Dad, he would be staying for observation and tests.

My Dad would not leave the hospital. He would not see his home again. He would not sleep in his own bed or eat a grilled steak or chat with the neighbors in the yard. Five days later he passed away surrounded by his family. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through.

My life was on pause. Suddenly things that had mattered to me didn't seem very important. I took a hiatus from cooking. Well, I should say, a hiatus from cooking creatively. I would make food to eat but my inspiration to get adventurous in the kitchen was on hold with my feelings. I felt like a robot. I ate because I needed to, without joy or thoughtfulness. As I think back to last year and think about my dad I am still heartbroken. It's still so fresh, so recent. How has a year passed? I think of my dad every day and I can't ignore the sadness. But for me, cooking delicious meals for my loved ones has become my therapy.

This month I'm sharing some of my favorite seafood recipes in honor of my dad. My dad loved to fish and he loved my cooking, and I loved cooking for him. Cooking is how I share my love. Use these recipes to share your love too.

Simple Sole Meuniére
Serves 2

A simple yet impressive classic. Easy to execute with clean flavors. I like to serve this with whole roasted baby potatoes and green beans.

Ingredients

Fish:
1/2 cup all purpose flour
4 sole fillets (each about 3 to 4 ounces)
Kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper
2 tablespoons vegetable oil or canola oil
2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) butter

Sauce:
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter, cut into 4 pieces
2 tablespoons chopped fresh Italian parsley
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
Lemon wedges


Prep

For fish:

Place flour in a dish. Rinse fish; pat dry with paper towels. Sprinkle both sides of fish with salt and freshly ground pepper. Dredge fish on both sides with flour; shake off excess. Place on a platter. Heat oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat until oil is hot and shimmers. Add butter; quickly swirl skillet to coat. When foam subsides, add fish and cook until golden on bottom, 2 to 3 minutes. Carefully turn fish over and cook until opaque in center and golden on bottom, 1 to 2 minutes. Divide fish between 2 warmed plates; tent with foil. Pour off drippings from skillet; wipe with paper towels.

For sauce:
Place skillet over medium-high heat. Add butter; cook until golden, 1 to 2 minutes. Remove from heat; stir in parsley and lemon juice (sauce may sputter). Spoon sauce over fish. Serve with lemon wedges.

Summer Bouillabaisse with Saffron-Basil Rouille

Serves 4

*Adapted from Bon Appetit July 2011

Packed with Summer flavor and it comes together fairly quickly. It's impressive enough to serve on a special occasion, but easy enough to have mid-week.

Ingredients

Rouille:

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

1 pinch saffron threads

1 garlic clove, chopped
1/4 cup (packed) fresh basil leaves

1 anchovy fillets packed in oil, drained

1/4 cup mayonnaise
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

a pinch of salt and fresh ground pepper to taste

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

1 medium shallot, sliced
1 small fennel bulb, trimmed, halved, thinly sliced, reserve fennel fronds for garnish

1 1/2 cup (about 3/4 pound) tomatoes, diced

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

2 cloves garlic, sliced

a pinch of saffron
1/3 cup dry white wine
1 8-ounce bottle clam juice
2 pounds mixed shellfish (such as littleneck clams, shrimp, mussels)
Crusty bread, sliced and toasted

Prep

1. Place saffron threads in a small dish with lemon juice and allow them to soak or 'bloom', about 5 minutes. Put garlic in food processor with basil, and anchovy. Pulse until broken down. Add mayonnaise, 2 tablespoons oil, and lemon juice with bloomed saffron. Season with salt and pepper and purée until smooth. Transfer rouille to a small bowl, cover, and chill.

2. Heat remaining 2 tablespoons oil in a large heavy pot over medium-high heat. Add fennel, shallots then tomatoes; season with salt and pepper and cook, stirring occasionally, until fennel is softened about 7 minutes.

3. Slice remaining 2 garlic cloves and add to pot. Cook, stirring often, until garlic becomes fragrant, about 1 minute. Add saffron and pour in wine and cook about 1 minute. Add clam juice and 1 cup water and bring to a boil. Add shellfish and cook, covered, until opened (discard any that do not open), about 3 minutes. Spread basil-saffron rouille on bread and serve alongside.

Pasta with Squid, Chile, and Olives

Serves 2

This is a go-to for me because it is easy and fast to make. Squid are inexpensive and lean protein and they freeze well and defrost quickly in cold water. And yes, I know cheese and seafood 'don't mix', but I totally disagree.

Ingredients
1 lb cleaned squid, bodies and tentacles
4 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
4 large garlic cloves, finely chopped
1 (1 1/2-inch) fresh red or green Thai or serrano chile, halved crosswise
1/3 cup dry white wine
1/4 cup Castelvetrano olives, pitted and sliced

salt and pepper
1/2 lb fettuccine (or your favorite pasta)

1/4 cup finely grated parmesan cheese

1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley

Prep
1. If squid are large, halve tentacles, then cut longer tentacles. Cut bodies crosswise into 1/4-inch-thick rings. Pat squid dry.

2. Heat 2 tablespoons oil in a 12-inch heavy skillet over moderately high heat until hot but not smoking, then sauté garlic and chile, stirring, until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Add squid and sauté, stirring, 1 minute. Add wine and simmer, stirring, 2 minutes. Add olives, stirring, 30 seconds. Remove from heat.

3. Cook pasta in a 6-quart pot of boiling salted water until al dente. Reserve 1/2 cup pasta cooking water, then drain pasta in a colander.

4.Add pasta to squid with 1/4 cup reserved cooking water and cook over moderately high heat, stirring constantly, 1 minute. Remove from heat and stir in parmesan and parsley and salt and pepper to taste. If pasta looks dry, moisten with more cooking water.

5. Divide pasta among bowls, then drizzle each serving with some of remaining 2 tablespoons oil.